A brother

My nuclear family consist of mom, dad, a big sister and myself. Minus all of my cousins, aunts, grandparents and other extended families, my life, my family is really quite and calm. My dad is reserved and quite, my mom is the hectic and loud member of our family...but only around us, but most of the time not, and my sister who is 5 years older than me. So you can imagine how tense or how less is the cohesiveness of relationship between me and my sister. When she's in standard 6, I was just about to enter primary school and the same when i'm entering secondary school, my sister's graduating. So there is really not very much time for me and my sister to bond because by the time she's a teenager, energetic and all, I can't join in cause I'm still a little kid. I wouldn't understand for most of her doings and what not.

I believe siblings bond is very much important. Me and my sister is fine, but it's just that honestly, I really don't know much about her. It's not in my place and time to be her friend at her 'energetic', rebellious, teen times. And so this kind of quite, distant relationship goes on. We don't really tell everything, become friends with our parents, not us boys usually at least. So, the person that should be our best friend is suppose to be our siblings. Or that's what I always heard. Most of my friends have a very tight relationship, a glued relationship with their siblings. And I do sometimes envy them. They have someone, blood related to tell all their problems, to complain, to express feelings, pain, to share secrets, to share interest or good news. I know a non-blood related friend can also become your best friend. But you don't always see them, with them.

Do not misunderstand, I am not complaining or be ungrateful in anyway. It's just that, I have always dreamed of having a big brother. Someone to look up to, someone to share interest, someone to teach me things. I have no one to teach me, the way of boy's life or whatever. Minus my dad, he is quite, reserved. Plus his term of fun cannot be apply to me in this decade. And I am a quite, reserved kid myself. When I was a little boy, my skill of making friends is so below average. It's kinda hard for me to make friends because kids would actually bully the most quite one in class. Kids are evil. But i wouldn't say I get bullied often...errr

Anyway, by the time I get into college, I tried to change. Try to mingle with em boys and all. And I succeed, kind off. But I know a friend couldn't possibly be the same as a brother. Once I asked my classmate to be my brother. But that's stupid and I know it wont work. I can only imagine how fun it would be if I do have a male figure, a companionate that would together be a mischievous, naughty kid. But instead I am this, a good boy. No fun. I don't know how or what is fun with boys.

So I learn life through my sister. She is really good in fashion, dress up, look pretty, look good. I learn that. To look good, be presentable. To match up clothes. To care for well being. To up keep and maintain my facial, appearance. And that is all great. I'm grateful for this knowledge. For my personality. for this is who I am. What I've become.    

A brother. An imagination. Never to happen. I cannot say to wanting a guy best friend. A real guy.  Cause naturally made we are, we can't have everything we want. That would be selfish. Oh how much fun it will be and how much different I would turn out if I do have a brother.   

It’s just not something I would want to admit

A couple of years ago, the hot blooded times of myself thought that I’m in love. We rarely met, so that’s good cause my ‘philosophy’ towards this whole feeling stuff is to not involve in a relationship (heart, love relationship that is) with a friend. But we were friends but not that close or really friend, just a person that I've come to know. An acquaintance. Yes. That’s it. I guess. But in truth of it all, thinking back that times of stupidity, massive hormone eruption, that feeling was somewhat nurtured. And that is because there was one time, my dear friend asked me have I ever fall in love before. Or even had a crush. So I told that friend of mine I may have some feeling towards…let’s say D. Now that I am more matured…I guess…that confession isn’t entirely true. You see, that was the time of innocent, virgin of me who wanted to look cool or some sort. So I guess I lied to that friend of mine (lets go for A now). Or did I lie? I don’t know. It’s confusing and I can’t entirely remember my feelings then. But to me, D is good looking, cute. So many of my friends question me on it. Cute? Really? As they said. But D is, to me at least.

And so everyday did A ask me more of my feelings towards D and before you know it, that kinda like feeling turned real. I may really like D. That is all psychology now that I have the time to think it through. Tell someone that he/she hold a dog many times although in reality that he/she actually is holding a cat, that he/she would eventually believe that lie. As what a close friend told me…rephrased of course. So yeah. That moment of grief after I confess that feeling of lies to D, and D rejected, with most kind hearted as D is, now is all meaningless. No no it is not meaningless! I gain new experience and that is the first ever time I confess my feeling towards anyone. High 5 for me. So that’s that, the end, 2 or 3 years passed, we go on our separate ways. I’m fine, D is fine, A is too much fine. But me and D never contact each other anymore. So that’s sad. But I followed D at twitter, Instagram, friend at facebook, so I guess I know what’s going on in D’s world now. And that’s still sad cause a like for a posted photos, favourites for some tweets is so not enough.

And this is roughly a year ago. I met K unexpectedly, I know it’s cliché but that is how it always begins right? And that first time we both met, my heart actually skips a beat. No! Wrong! It beats fast! Real fast! I can feel adrenaline run, speed into my blood sream. I can feel my face warm, red. And that feeling arise without any provocation from any third party that would probably nurture that feeling in me, as what happened with D previously. And with experience, I guess I did a good job at poker face-ing. K didn’t realize it I guess. But I’m not so sure now that I’ve become close friend with K, I’m pretty sure K has always knew that I have feeling for K. Yes. I chose to become friends with K. A close friend add to that. And K also never reveals that he knew what I think he knew. And that’s cool. I’m afraid if this ‘feelings’ topic ever arise, we will feel awkward and it all will not be the same again. So I’m hoping K didn’t read this blog. But I can never forget that feeling the first time I met K. Now, every day, every single time I wish to bumped in K and start a conversation or whatever. I’ve become close friends to a lot of people now but I know only K will know this writing is towards to K. If you (K) really did read this, you might ask why. The answer lies to every single 'talk' that we had. Down to earth, good looking, heart warming, good listener, very very kind. You'll deny all of that quality as you always did, but this is to me all true.

I’ve never been in a heart relationship before, but with what happen to my friends whom have or had been in a relationship, I think I’d prefer friendship. But good lord can’t I lie that if I get the chance to say that K is mine, I’d be the most, ever lucky boy in the world. I would take care of K, more than I do to myself. I’m feeling flowery so my apology. I know it’s stupid and revolting. But I actually disagree towards people who would sacrifice their entirely life for their significant others, out of wedlock. Wedded couples are different. I’m talking about couples, love birds. You never know how or to what that relationship would become. If it ended up with marriage, than good for you. If it’s not, or never will, don’t be such a stupid, blinded person you aren’t. Take control of your life cause if it isn’t you, by golly trust me your couple wouldn’t do it for you. They have their own life and lives to take care of. If you are that important, you guys would’ve been married.

It’s been roughly a year since me and K become close friends. Can that feeling of love as lover turned to feeling of love as friend? Is it possible? Is my current feeling of wanting to care for K’s virtue, health, feeling is because I'm K's friend? And not more?. This is what friends do to a friend. I know it’s true cause I do have other friends and I do care for them. But what is the definition of ‘care’ towards someone like K? Whatever that definition might be, I feel exhilarated every time I did something to please K. I think I know that definition. It’s just not something I would want to admit.   

reponsibility is for everyone to face

the second semester of university life just ended recently.and i gotta say it's a frickin hectic one.i've been all active the last past 5 months.i remember when i entered the first class,when the lecturer asked who's this year's class representative,everyone pointed at me.at first i was really shocked and kinda mad at my classmates.but then i realized,when a group of people appoint you as a leader,that means they trusted you.to care for their requirements and stuff so the learning activity run smoothly..at least that what i thought.never mind what they think.i think i've done a pretty good job.but i would never take that position again.ever!

BMB2Ai.my class

in the same time,i don't know what got up into me,i voluntarily take the position of an event manager to an expo-like event at my campus.a lot of experience i gain,and a lot of dramas between the committee members and of course between the lecturers.that part i can't even describe.make my head hurts.anyways it's a successful event.flaws here and there.but that's common.

the expo

and now i'm focusing on being my class's secretary for the industrial visit project.it's a project obligated for our course to do.it's all independent and not easy.we need to go visit a company abroad.money,travel,place it's all our own to gain and decide.and if you my readers are kind enough to be our sponsor,i'm really glad to.you can contact me via my google account.

that's all responsibilities i wrote up there.whether willingly,or appointed to,it's your duty to do it,and with all your will,make it right.don't run away from responsibilities cause it's hard,embrace it cause it teach you a lot about life.how the world move,how the people react,learn be confident standing in front of a crowd.frankly all that experience really convince me on myself.what i can do and what i can improve.want it or not,you must face your responsibility.you cannot expect yourself to avoid being the group leader and be a great leader for your family.reality is leadership is an important base of life.you need to lead your family sometimes in the future.marriage is what everyone wants,but non really think the responsibilities."you cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today."-Abraham Lincoln 

   

random blubber

wow how long has it been since my last post?a year?maybe.sorry for not blogging.i've been busy with classes and exams;but mainly cause i haven't been bored.but now i am,bored.so lets blogging.

it has already been 4 days since my last paper of the final exam for the first semester,and yeah,i'm done for this semester.gonna have to just wait and pray for the best;my result that is.hope to be a dean list student;oh dear god please dean list be mine!

anyway,it has been a pretty,but not memorable semester.new environment (suburb),new friends (bitch *sorry.love ya anyway) and culture..seriously!i mean,it's not that i'm trying to be dishonest,but i really felt like a hypocrite the whole time.it's not the real me walking around campus.mainly because of the environment that i had to live in.i can't be a crazy doodly me around my classmates,not yet at least;and i don't think not ever with the boys.they are saints.which is good to me;i guess;to rejoice my soul *what?

differ from matriculation college times,i hang out with good for nothing,wrong,wrong in attitudes,and bitches (all of which just figurative speaking *Farid,you're the bitch) but in the university,i hang with pious boys.everytime i enter their room,they will be playing games with the sura playing at the background.and i will get free religious lecture,every night.and honestly,in the deep of my heart,i kinda like it.it makes me feel more calm.no yoga needed.but i guess this activity has ended.they'll be living in a house rental while i'll still be living at the college,next semester.

i just love the nature Perlis offer.the past weeks,Perlis shine bright like a diamond,warm, cozy and nice with wind blows as strong as the tornado.just fell in love.but hate the dialect.

my roommates are two science computer weirdos.a Johorean with no sense of social life;except facebook and twitter;apple product freak;but good-hearted though.and a Kelantanese;i can't understand anything that he speaks.both of which only sleep after the sun shines but they are kind and livable with;one semester only!

my classmates are wonderful.we aren't that really close yet but i have feelings that we will be as close as families sooner or later.just hope those conflicts that arise between some of them can be settle.

i guess that's all for now.my boredom writing.i hope you all readers as bored as i am.thank you 

tears that fall

we are asked to make a profile video about ourselves for the IT class.it's like what normal new students do,to introduce ourselves to the whole class.but rather than talking,it is in a form of a video.and so i did,with all my effort..not that much of an effort because i have a software that help me to organize the photos that i'm gonna use for my video.my video is more like a picture slide of myself,family and friends.

i've stayed in this campus for almost 2 month without returning back home even for a day.my home is a million miles away,so it's not logical to went back just for the weekends.throughout the days i'm here,i am deeply,most sincere in my heart missing all of my friends and especially my dearest classmates of matriculation college,SM1K2P1.i've never thought of being or feeling so attach to each and everyone of them.it's like i've known them forever although the truth is i've only known them for less than a year.

and so the video has finish and yesterday i had showed it to the whole class.at first it was nothing,but when the video had ended,i felt something that i've never in my life had ever feel before.a feeling of sadness.a feeling that i've lost them,my dearest classmates,that i will never gonna meet them in the future.but i ignore that feeling and continue my day normally.

it have been a routine for me,Awi and Haziq to go to the library..more specifically the television section every night to revise our lesson.and yesterday,while we're at it,there's a frickin' rat storming from underneath one of the couch to another.luckily we're all survived that tragedy.then the library is closing,so we went back to our hostels.but as i walk to my hostel,that feeling that i've felt earlier grip me to the bones.i manage to,again ignore that feeling.

i arrived at my room,getting ready for sleep.i lie down on my bed,and instantly that feeling reign over me.i just can't help it.i listen to songs to help me ignore it.but i failed.the feeling of sadness and longing is overwhelming.tears fall on my cheek.i take a deep breath to resist but yet again i failed.i storm out of my room,descend to the ground floor and head straight to a little gazebo beside the hostel.

alone,in the dark, i cried.i cried like i've never cried before.i cried as if i've lost my friends forever.it is really confusing for me to cry like that with no apparent reason.i text Awi,and she called.i cried on the phone telling her that i don't understand why am i crying.she said that maybe i am too homesick.but the whole time i was crying,it's not my parents that i think of,it's my college's classmates.which is very weird.do i really misses them that much?i guess i do.

to my dearest SM1K2P1 and all of my friends,please know that i am the kind of person that just immensely love each and everyone of you.i miss all the time i had during matriculation.the fun and joy that we had together.i didn't feel that same joy here in university as i did with you guys.i wish all the best in whatever field that you're pursuing.i'm gonna miss all of you now and forever.

my profile video

this video was entirely made by me but not for fun.i made it because my entire class are needed to make a video about ourselves.it's like rather than go to the front of class and introduce ourselves but in a video version.

so of course my video contain a little something about my family,friends and self.my journey of life from primary school,sk desa pandan,secondary school,smk cochrane perkasa and my lovely,most loving and cherish,selangor matriculation college..shout out to my ex-classmates SM1K2P1! love you guys to death!

uitm perlis

i am reluctantly step inside the registration room at my hostel,Cengal 3.and that was a week ago.and then there was the orientation week.it was fine,nothing much,not many ragging and none bullying,the only fun part was the aerobic exercise.we dance oppa gangnam style.we watched shadow play and theater played by the students,both of which my first time ever experience.

but honestly,i don't feel belong or yet comfortable here.it felt so different.i feel so awkward because i felt like the only one who is clueless of what's going on around because this campus are filled with diploma seniors.maybe after a month i will be able to except this new study environment because this is definitely out of my city boy comfort zone.there's no shopping complexes or cinemas around.not even mc donald.this is village.i guess i need to just suck all this up and just move on in this weird place.

but luckily i am not alone.Shamira,my friend from secondary school and Awi,both of which from the same matriculation college as i am is here also.plus,my primary school friend,Huda was here a year earlier as a diploma student.also,Faiz and Farid,my matriculation friends is in the neighborhood's university,unimap.i am not all alone here at least.

the ceremony to officially make us as the new degree students is some kind shocking and very technological (what am i saying?).the uitm web tv stream live from the main campus in Shah Alam.it was like the whole uitm students all around Malaysia was in the same hall.and the gimmick is quite good although predictable.

during the ceremony

but i miss matriculation life.i miss my friends.i miss the environment.last night i dream of Afiq,my matriculation roommate.miss him so much!

i guess i have to just continue living my life here and try to fit in.i felt like crying remembering the memories,viewing the pictures of my friends and classmates back in matriculation.if i could turn back time and lengthen it,i would.no doubt.

me while writing this post