A brother

My nuclear family consist of mom, dad, a big sister and myself. Minus all of my cousins, aunts, grandparents and other extended families, my life, my family is really quite and calm. My dad is reserved and quite, my mom is the hectic and loud member of our family...but only around us, but most of the time not, and my sister who is 5 years older than me. So you can imagine how tense or how less is the cohesiveness of relationship between me and my sister. When she's in standard 6, I was just about to enter primary school and the same when i'm entering secondary school, my sister's graduating. So there is really not very much time for me and my sister to bond because by the time she's a teenager, energetic and all, I can't join in cause I'm still a little kid. I wouldn't understand for most of her doings and what not.

I believe siblings bond is very much important. Me and my sister is fine, but it's just that honestly, I really don't know much about her. It's not in my place and time to be her friend at her 'energetic', rebellious, teen times. And so this kind of quite, distant relationship goes on. We don't really tell everything, become friends with our parents, not us boys usually at least. So, the person that should be our best friend is suppose to be our siblings. Or that's what I always heard. Most of my friends have a very tight relationship, a glued relationship with their siblings. And I do sometimes envy them. They have someone, blood related to tell all their problems, to complain, to express feelings, pain, to share secrets, to share interest or good news. I know a non-blood related friend can also become your best friend. But you don't always see them, with them.

Do not misunderstand, I am not complaining or be ungrateful in anyway. It's just that, I have always dreamed of having a big brother. Someone to look up to, someone to share interest, someone to teach me things. I have no one to teach me, the way of boy's life or whatever. Minus my dad, he is quite, reserved. Plus his term of fun cannot be apply to me in this decade. And I am a quite, reserved kid myself. When I was a little boy, my skill of making friends is so below average. It's kinda hard for me to make friends because kids would actually bully the most quite one in class. Kids are evil. But i wouldn't say I get bullied often...errr

Anyway, by the time I get into college, I tried to change. Try to mingle with em boys and all. And I succeed, kind off. But I know a friend couldn't possibly be the same as a brother. Once I asked my classmate to be my brother. But that's stupid and I know it wont work. I can only imagine how fun it would be if I do have a male figure, a companionate that would together be a mischievous, naughty kid. But instead I am this, a good boy. No fun. I don't know how or what is fun with boys.

So I learn life through my sister. She is really good in fashion, dress up, look pretty, look good. I learn that. To look good, be presentable. To match up clothes. To care for well being. To up keep and maintain my facial, appearance. And that is all great. I'm grateful for this knowledge. For my personality. for this is who I am. What I've become.    

A brother. An imagination. Never to happen. I cannot say to wanting a guy best friend. A real guy.  Cause naturally made we are, we can't have everything we want. That would be selfish. Oh how much fun it will be and how much different I would turn out if I do have a brother.   

It’s just not something I would want to admit

A couple of years ago, the hot blooded times of myself thought that I’m in love. We rarely met, so that’s good cause my ‘philosophy’ towards this whole feeling stuff is to not involve in a relationship (heart, love relationship that is) with a friend. But we were friends but not that close or really friend, just a person that I've come to know. An acquaintance. Yes. That’s it. I guess. But in truth of it all, thinking back that times of stupidity, massive hormone eruption, that feeling was somewhat nurtured. And that is because there was one time, my dear friend asked me have I ever fall in love before. Or even had a crush. So I told that friend of mine I may have some feeling towards…let’s say D. Now that I am more matured…I guess…that confession isn’t entirely true. You see, that was the time of innocent, virgin of me who wanted to look cool or some sort. So I guess I lied to that friend of mine (lets go for A now). Or did I lie? I don’t know. It’s confusing and I can’t entirely remember my feelings then. But to me, D is good looking, cute. So many of my friends question me on it. Cute? Really? As they said. But D is, to me at least.

And so everyday did A ask me more of my feelings towards D and before you know it, that kinda like feeling turned real. I may really like D. That is all psychology now that I have the time to think it through. Tell someone that he/she hold a dog many times although in reality that he/she actually is holding a cat, that he/she would eventually believe that lie. As what a close friend told me…rephrased of course. So yeah. That moment of grief after I confess that feeling of lies to D, and D rejected, with most kind hearted as D is, now is all meaningless. No no it is not meaningless! I gain new experience and that is the first ever time I confess my feeling towards anyone. High 5 for me. So that’s that, the end, 2 or 3 years passed, we go on our separate ways. I’m fine, D is fine, A is too much fine. But me and D never contact each other anymore. So that’s sad. But I followed D at twitter, Instagram, friend at facebook, so I guess I know what’s going on in D’s world now. And that’s still sad cause a like for a posted photos, favourites for some tweets is so not enough.

And this is roughly a year ago. I met K unexpectedly, I know it’s cliché but that is how it always begins right? And that first time we both met, my heart actually skips a beat. No! Wrong! It beats fast! Real fast! I can feel adrenaline run, speed into my blood sream. I can feel my face warm, red. And that feeling arise without any provocation from any third party that would probably nurture that feeling in me, as what happened with D previously. And with experience, I guess I did a good job at poker face-ing. K didn’t realize it I guess. But I’m not so sure now that I’ve become close friend with K, I’m pretty sure K has always knew that I have feeling for K. Yes. I chose to become friends with K. A close friend add to that. And K also never reveals that he knew what I think he knew. And that’s cool. I’m afraid if this ‘feelings’ topic ever arise, we will feel awkward and it all will not be the same again. So I’m hoping K didn’t read this blog. But I can never forget that feeling the first time I met K. Now, every day, every single time I wish to bumped in K and start a conversation or whatever. I’ve become close friends to a lot of people now but I know only K will know this writing is towards to K. If you (K) really did read this, you might ask why. The answer lies to every single 'talk' that we had. Down to earth, good looking, heart warming, good listener, very very kind. You'll deny all of that quality as you always did, but this is to me all true.

I’ve never been in a heart relationship before, but with what happen to my friends whom have or had been in a relationship, I think I’d prefer friendship. But good lord can’t I lie that if I get the chance to say that K is mine, I’d be the most, ever lucky boy in the world. I would take care of K, more than I do to myself. I’m feeling flowery so my apology. I know it’s stupid and revolting. But I actually disagree towards people who would sacrifice their entirely life for their significant others, out of wedlock. Wedded couples are different. I’m talking about couples, love birds. You never know how or to what that relationship would become. If it ended up with marriage, than good for you. If it’s not, or never will, don’t be such a stupid, blinded person you aren’t. Take control of your life cause if it isn’t you, by golly trust me your couple wouldn’t do it for you. They have their own life and lives to take care of. If you are that important, you guys would’ve been married.

It’s been roughly a year since me and K become close friends. Can that feeling of love as lover turned to feeling of love as friend? Is it possible? Is my current feeling of wanting to care for K’s virtue, health, feeling is because I'm K's friend? And not more?. This is what friends do to a friend. I know it’s true cause I do have other friends and I do care for them. But what is the definition of ‘care’ towards someone like K? Whatever that definition might be, I feel exhilarated every time I did something to please K. I think I know that definition. It’s just not something I would want to admit.